Feb 132012
 

BREAKING NEWS, everyone. LISTEN CLOSELY, especially if you are raising innocent little girls. I’ve just learned that James Deen, my/your favorite male porn star of all time, is very dangerous. He is a serious threat to our girlchildren. He is lurking in the shadows of the internet, infiltrating their Tumblr dashboards with his bedroom eyes. HE MUST BE STOPPED. Or, at the very least, awkwardly questioned on TV about his lasciviousness!

Porn Industry Attracting Teens?” is the headline for this segment of Nightline, because of course it is. ABC News clearly yoinked this story from an article in Good Magazine, but when re-told in alarmist video form, it gets 1000 times more ridiculous. Seriously, I could not stop laughing the first time I watched it. It was like something from The Onion News Network.

Epiphora: oh my god dude
Epiphora: i’m losing it
Epiphora: THE PART WHERE THEY TALK ABOUT BURRITOS.
The Bedroom Blogger: I know. I was laughing so hard watching it that the cat actually got all pissy and stopped being a scarf

(Bitches don’t allow embedding, but trust me, it is well worth clicking over to YouTube.)

Terry Moran starts us off by uttering the word “blogs” with more disdain than I’ve ever heard injected into a word. “For any parent concerned about what their teen does online,” he says, “the huge popularity of the young man you are about to meet may be deeply disturbing.” One minute later, the fact that Deen has fans under the age of 18 is again called “disturbing.” Nice thesaurus work, Nightline.

A few of Deen’s fans are interviewed. One chick says she loves his nose, while another says, “he looks like somebody that I could see at a coffee shop or something and actually approach.” Listen to these sex-crazed lunatics. This is what our little girls have become.

Nightline makes a big stink about the fact that Deen is not Ryan Gosling or Justin Bieber. Unlike those guys, he is not a human being; he is a… I can barely utter the words… porn star.

Laying it on thick, the voiceover notes that of Deen’s fans, “many of them are barely legal, some of them so young we couldn’t even interview them on camera. Their parents have no idea that secretly, they have a crush on a porn star.” Uh, their parents also don’t know that they secretly hump couch arms and write bad, slutty fanfic for their internet friends. Do parents need to know that shit, too?

Watching this segment, at first I was like:

And then I was like:

For Deen’s part, he answers interviewer Cecilia Vega’s dumbass questions (“DON’T U THINK U R ENCOURAGING YOUNG GIRLZ?”) with straightfoward, no-bullshit answers. And the segment serves as a fantastic bit of promo for him, as it includes footage from Doppelganger, Simpsons: The XXX ParodyHere Cums the President (which Nightline stealthily re-named as Here Comes the President), and many plugs for his blog and Twitter.

What this report is missing, of course — I mean, other than a sense of decency — is that James Deen’s fanbase is not all underage girls. SHOCKING, I KNOW, but there are actual adult women who also love him, for the simple fact that he seems to really enjoy fucking his co-stars. There are vague hints of this in the segment (they say he “holds hands with his leading ladies, gazes into their eyes, even shows a little romance” — could they make it sound any more boring?), but they’re glossed over, because god forbid porn be portrayed as enticing in any way.

Seriously, it pisses me off that we live in a world in which female sexuality is so demonized. And where people who watch porn (especially women) simply can’t win. James Deen is arguably one of the most respectful, engaged male porn stars in the industry. Sure, he’s somewhat of an airhead, but he is practically the best male figure a young girl could witness in porn.

Example: a few days ago, my friends and I were watching a scene between him and Melissa “The Face” Monet (from My Daughter’s Boyfriend). Even fucking a woman who looks like she’s giving birth to a demon when she has an orgasm, he seemed totally into it. When she came, he whispered to her that her orgasm was “beautiful.”

The only thing we should be worried about is that our daughters might have high expectations for their future sex partners after watching James Deen.

And wouldn’t that just be catastrophic.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ladywrenna wrenna

    Hilarious writing. Nicely done. And sadly, I don’t even watch porn.

  • http://barenakedlady.wordpress.com Jilly

    I’m having to hold myself in from just flat-out laughing my ass off. I love his eyes. OMG AM I A FUCKING SEX ADDICT NOW? AM I DEPRAVED? MUST I BE PUT IN THE CLINK FOR NOT LIKING JUSTIN FUCKING BIEBER? Encouraging young girls to do what? Seriously, if they start blaming James Fucking Deen for everything that’s wrong with young women today, I will fucking give up on society.

    The only thing we can blame him for is for being such a fucking awesome/sexy motherfucker that no other dude has a chance.

    *breathes* Excuse me, that was a bit OTT.

    Now if you excuse me, I’m off to get my 21 year old ass my James Deen dildo and fuck myself with it. If the harvest now fails, don’t blame me.

  • http://www.ScarlettSeraph.com ScarlettSeraph

    So now we’re supposed to hold one person responsible for underage porn viewing. Because it’s HIS fault that the things he does are found attractive, FLOG HIM PUBLICLY NOW. Well, actually, I’d pay to see that… but I’m getting off track.

    Demonizing someone because they do something people enjoy, especially when he does nothing to promote himself to young children, is ridiculous. He isn’t a pedophile, he isn’t encouraging depraved acts. In fact, dare I say, he’s giving a more realistic example of what sex can be. Particularly if you watch films directed by Tristan, and others who offer a positive representation of sex.

    Can we go after the people who make penis shaped lollipops now? Because, you know, kids like lollipops and stuff. Or instead, can we leave it to parents to do the parenting? Access to pornographic material is nearly impossible to prevent these days, so it’s up to parents to talk to their kids about it. It isn’t up to James to quit making movies because he has a young fan base. I would honestly be much happier with my teenager watching him than many other performers, so let’s go after the slime balls who hurt and degrade female performers instead of the guy who is consistently awesome and respectful.

    I actually thought the piece was going to be about how interesting it is that he’s garnered such a large female fan base. Silly me, I forgot that porn can’t be considered anything but evil.

  • ladyastolat

    ROFL. They’re scraping the bottom of the barrel for “news” these days, aren’t they?

    Wait… What’s the difference between having erotic thoughts about my favorite Hollywood celebrity and having erotic thoughts about my favorite porn actor again?

    Oh yeah, I can actually see my favorite porn actor naked instead of just imagining it! }:D

    An aside on the “omg! teens having sex! nooo!” thing as a whole:
    I’ll bet good money your great-grandparents (or even your grandparents, depending on how old you are) got married when they were teens. My grandmother was barely 16 when she married my grandfather. Know what married people do? THEY FUCK! Yep, that’s right. Your “under age” grandma got hitched to your possibly not under aged grandpa and they got their freak on. They probably got it on A LOT. Try not to think about it *too* much. ;D

  • http://duskinchains.com Dusk

    The only thing that made my day even better than watching that hilarious Nightline was your writing about it. Seriously, WTF are these people thinking? Heaven forbid our young women appreciate seeing someone in porn that they can actually relate to and imagine meeting in real life. Because we want our women to think that all of the best men are only available in our imaginations.

    Not to say Deen is the best, but he seems like a nice enough guy.

  • http://thesensualscholar.blogspot.com BashfulBabe

    Wait, so…he can’t control underage chicks choosing to visit his blog?
    He’s not their de faco parent when the real guardians can’t be fannied doing their job?
    He’s NOT GOD OF TEH INTERNETZ?!?!?!?!?!

    I, for one, am shocked by this revelation. Obviously, we must start a movement, funded by the outraged ABC News-ites, to instil in James Deen complete omnipotence over the internet and all internet users. It’s what’s best for the children, ABC News said so (more or less).

  • LinVenatoria

    Yes, I looooove James Deen! I never pay for porn so I usually stick to shitty streaming sites but the first time I saw him perform, the first thing that went into my head is: “Why aren’t there more porn stars like this?”

    Streaming sites don’t credit the performers (especially the male ones) so I had to really look him up. Hahaha

  • Caroline

    Epiphora, as always, my hat is off to you. You are amazing. That is all.

  • Caroline

    Just watched the Nightline video. I think I was muttering obscenities continuously.

  • http://www.neamhspleachas.com Molly Rene

    I think the bigger threat is that girls might, ya know, expect to enjoy sex. And we can’t have that, now can we?

    Also, why is there no expose about how the the Playboy bunnies encourage boys to masturbate?

  • LucyLemonade

    I saw a clip of this on the Soup and thought of you!

  • http://theworldaccordingtowoman.wordpress.com Woman

    “Seriously, it pisses me off that we live in a world in which female sexuality is so demonized.” This is the best sentence out of everything I have read in the past week. It is oh so true.

    It strikes me as wonderful that here in China the divorce rate is on the rise, and that divorce rate is going to grow even higher within the next decade simply because of the affects of Westernisation. And the number one reason that women are divorcing their men?? “The only thing we should be worried about is that our daughters might have high expectations for their future sex partners after watching James Deen.” You said it. They see movies with romance, they watch porn, read erotica and our romance novels and know that sex is not just for a man’s pleasure, but meant to be for both and enjoyed by both of them. They know there is more to a relationship than just his desires. And these women are demanding and expecting to be treated better by their husbands in and out of the bedroom.

    Chinese women are demanding sexual satisfaction and that is a direct result of Westernisation by porn, erotica, and sexual education. Yes! I have rambled but I am so excited about it all!! I have to laugh when many of the Chinese doctors claim that the female orgasm is a myth made up by women who are perverted. And women don’t get horny. We get hysteric.

    So when you talk about female sexuality being demonised, I agree and cannot wait to see the change as we go to meet the future!

  • Stephanie

    Hey ABC, so when is part 2 of this story airing? You know, the one where you talk to teenage boys about their subscriptions to Brazzers, and where you interview 30-something men whose father’s Playboys gave them unrealistic expectations of women’s bodies? Because I would definitely watch that.

  • Deborah Zarett

    That was easily one of the most ridiculous pieces “Nightline” has ever done. They went out of their way to try and make him look stupid/pervy, and trying to convince parents that their sweet, virginal teen daughters are being corrupted by a male porn star who’s actually appealing rather than the flabby middle-aged guys or over-muscled, grunting, macho twits we usually associate with straight porn. Somebody better alert Rick Santorum…

  • Insane Hussein

    @Deborah: I think Santorum would be ok with it as long as James wears a vest at some point during the film. Heh.

  • http://www.shevibe.com Sandra

    When my daughter tells me she’s interested in porn I’ll be sure to recommend Jame’s movies to her – mommy’s a big fan.

  • Ashes

    I don’t watch a lot of porn, so I haven’t seen much of his work, but I recently watched the parody of The Big Lebowski with him, and… OH MY GOD. I actually want to watch porn now. It’s refreshing to see someone who doesn’t look, well, GROSS, having sex. He seems so respectful and kind and like he genuinely wants everyone to have a good time* that I was transfixed, even through the goofy parts where he’s dancing around in a purple jumpsuit.

    I didn’t see a photo of him and go “HOTHOTHOT!” but after seeing his manner… Yeah. Fantasies abound.

    *That’s actually in my review, which is currently unpublished

  • Ashes

    @Ashes: Also, I’d much rather have my (non-existent) kid watching someone have sex like he does than have them assume that it’s all about ass-pounding and degrading talk*

    *Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just that the media portray sex as always being *hard*

  • Deborah Zarett

    Hussein: now, there’s an idea- sweater-vest fetish porn.

  • rocketlindy

    I’m 18, and I certainly got into porn way before now — way before I ever heard of James Deen, even! Shocking! Scandalous!

    It’s almost like there are other reasons besides his nose and general attractiveness that might make a girl want to watch people fuck.

  • http://elodieonlove.com/ elodie

    OH NOES GIRLS THINK ABOUT SEX THE WORLD IS ENDING.

    I’d far rather girls like James Deen than friggin’ Justin Bieber, who is a spoiled, violent, anti-choice jerk.

    But the show is like banning a book. James Deen’s popularity is gonna soar because of it, and I think he knew it.

  • Noelle

    Oh, god. Not his burrito. ANYTHING BUT THE BURRITO.

  • Adriana

    I love his face in that screencap. Wait, am I part of the problem?

  • Mess

    James Deen has made jokes about raping 12 year old girls on his twitter (and rape jokes in general) so yes, I would be afraid for my daughters if they were into him, knowing that.

  • Audrey Grace

    Came upon this gem about a year too late and can I just say… I don’t love James Deen’s porn. It’s just not really my thing at all, and I can’t always put a finger on why. But James Deen as a person? I’d be friends with that guy. I like that he’s genuinely invested in the pleasure of all participants in the sexual shenanigans, and I like that he has fun and enjoys the give-and-take of pleasure. I like watching him and Stoya, even if I don’t love their porn in general.

    I’m one of those girls who grew up reading bad smutty fanfiction and diddling myself with miscellaneous objects. My parents are among those would would wholeheartedly agree with every sentiment these moronic interviewers make. My parents talk about my (completele sfw and innocent) blog as though it’s the cause of my depression and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. They pilfer through my internet history if I forget to clear it before I leave my computer to go to the bathroom, and they later approach me about “sex addictions” and “that disturbing ‘kink’-whatever shit you read”. They suggest I go to counseling for my “problems”.

    The main idea that they and other mainstream, conservative media sheeple are missing here is that women and girls don’t have a crush on a Porn Star. We have crushes on Human Beings who just so happen to have chosen to be porn stars. God forbid we appreciate people for their personalities. God forbid we hope to experience that kind of appreciation ourselves, that kind of sexual pleasure. God forbid we associate sexual pleasure with human connections!! Oh noes! Ugh, spare me.

  • Kayla

    Those were my thoughts! How many preteen boys have perpetual hard-ons for Jenna Jameson and Brianna Banks, and why is that considered a complete non-issue if this is ERMAGHERDIMPORTANT. Kids are looking for information because people act like sex is some secret rite to be initiated into when it’s just naked fun time

  • Rin

    “Seriously, it pisses me off that we live in a world in which female
    sexuality is so demonized. And where people who watch porn (especially
    women) simply can’t win.”

    So depressingly true. Think about it: a growing boy finds his dad’s porn mags and jerks off to them, and it may be shamed a bit but on the whole it’s considered normal. But a GIRL looking at porn or masturbating? Scandal! Lock your doors and close your drapes, the world is suddenly full of sin and predators!

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