Aug 042011
 

This is all so overwhelming. I want to be clever and make you giggle, but… this website, this product… THERE IS TOO MUCH TO MAKE FUN OF.

The website looks like my April Fool’s Day redesigns. There is a firework background. There is size 500 pt font. There is a rampant misspelling of Fleshlight to “Flashlight.”  There are unnecessary comparisons to “hard, wild crazy sex.” And, of course, why not, there is a 15-minute infomercial.

Yes, my friends, that is indeed a gyrating leopard-print make-up case. A gyrating leopard-print make-up case that must be encased in a “leather vinyl” bag before use, lest you ruin the leopard-print goodness. Is anyone surprised that a man invented this?

0:30 — “Watch as I hold them… look at the intensity of vibration running up my arms.”
2:25 — “LOOK AT THEM BOUNCE.”
3:00 — Oh hey, they’ve realized that the voice dubbing was a pain in the ass. This video is now marginally less terrifying.
5:00 — Is this real life?
8:55 — “Look! It’s a blurry ball of orgasm!” Who wrote this shit.
10:35 — USE IT WITH A HITACHI. GREAT PLAN.
14:30 — “Look! It’s so powerful, it wants to run away from us! Hey, come back here! I need you.”

I’ll admit, I started to break down around the 6:30 mark, where the voiceover reveals that the make-up case is stuffed with memory foam. I started to imagine taming the beast. Squishing it between my thighs and making it do my bidding… I mean, they do say I can return it within 30 days if it doesn’t give me “the unbelievably intense pleasure we promised.”

No, Epiphora, no. Have some self control. Look at the website again. Let it burn your retinas, and read the “money back guarantee” fine print…

Do not expose massager to any body parts, other then your hands. By law and for sanitary reasons it must be returned to us in NEW PRISTINE UNUSED MINT CONDITION in original packaging. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS. Returns are scanned with UV LIGHT and inspected carefully.

Jesus, why not just bump up the creep factor and spray it with Luminol?

  • http://sugarcuntwrites.com Sugarcunt

    I’m telling you, Epiphora. I am TOO intrigued by this. I MUST TRY IT.

  • http://truepleasuresreviews.com True Pleasures

    I had seen the ad for this on Pleasurists and watched the video because I was intrigued. That was very difficult to take seriously, so it got scratched off the “I might want to review” list immediately. It’s just… well, I don’t know. It’s too cheesy or something. I just can’t take it seriously.

  • Elizabeth N. Spire

    All I can say is OMG that’s soooo wrong!

  • Insane Hussein

    Oh, god. OH, GOD. Because of course women wouldn’t know better. Geez.

  • http://askgarnet.com Garnet Joyce

    OH MY GOD!!! Thank you for sharing this.

  • http://www.dangerouslilly.com Dangerous Lilly

    So basically they trick you with their “money back guarantee”. Nice.

    I managed 4:37 before I started feeling sick. Seriously. This video made me motion sick and has given me a headache. There should be a fucking seizure warning at the beginning.

    WHY why why would anyone want something uncontrollable that has a ZIPPER? zippers hurt down there, doncha know.

    I’m afraid to look at the site. I’m not sure I can stomach it, literally.

  • http://www.ScarlettSeraph.com ScarlettSeraph

    *This* is the best worst thing I have ever seen… there is so much wrong… I just don’t even know.

    “Look! It’s a blurry ball of orgasm!” This has to be the best thing I have ever heard in a toy ad.

  • Suzi

    There is no way that feels like anything but being punched in the crotch at high speed. o.O

  • Chloe

    “It contours to all your curves so you can push it against your self, lay on top of it, or place it between you and you’re lover.”

    Okay, these are definitely being made out of a garage somewhere.

  • LucyLemonade

    So, I’ve learned that “the softest parts of a woman’s body” feels like 70s pleather?

    Of course their sample dildo would be an obvious jelly toy.

    The model even gets bored around the 9 minute mark.

    Velcro at the end of my sex toy sounds like a great idea.

    There is way too much wrong with this video, and website. Wow.

  • Angelique

    “It will sooth you, just like foreplay” Oh no…

    This looks like one of those free cosmetic bags you get when purchasing $50 worth of product at a department store.

  • Nikki

    I think this might actually be a joke. I see no way this would work….even a tiny bit.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @Nikki: I definitely considered that… until I added the toy to my PayPal cart.

  • http://will-o-the-wisp.tumblr.com Caroline

    Haha…I love that they spelled soothes as “sooths.”

  • http://macleodvalentine.com Jaye of the Shiny Purple Ass Missile

    Scout’s honor, I have NEVER used a flashlight inappropriately.

  • http://karasutra.blog.com Kara_Sutra

    It’s like the bad tacky porn we’ve all seen, the one you can’t take your eyes off for the sheer hilarity and horror. I *must* see this thing in action, it’s just too bizarre not to. Besides, my cats could probably use something else to attack.

  • meowwl

    I think I’ve seen that same motion before…in the arms of a guy wielding a jackhammer at a concrete slab!

  • the bedroom blogger

    WHY DOES SHE KEEP SAYING FLASHLIGHT? I’m kinda with Sugarcunt on this one…I kinda need to try it and satisfy my (decidedly morbid) curiousity.

    But they need some serious marketing assistance.

  • the bedroom blogger

    @Epiphora: OHMYGODDIDYOUBUYTHIS? I must know…everything…

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @the bedroom blogger: Oh lord no. I was just checking to see if it was a joke or not.

  • Parnisaurus_Rex

    Wow, that has got to be the worse thing ever. The DUBBING… O_o

  • http://speaksexy.org Jesse

    What?

    I can’t use it on my hoohah?

    Does it say anything about a thin protective garment beTWEEN me and the Rock ‘n Roll Massager? Hmm… dangerous, unimpressive AND impotent? Sounds like my last boyfriend.

    Thanks for this review Epiphora. I shall endeavor to… resist.

    Hey, how about those Sybians!

  • http://sexyspokane.blogspot.com/ Nora

    I don’t know…my favorite part was when they say the video is “rated G because they put it on YouTube”! It might just be my opinion, but that is decidedly NOT G-rated!

  • http://www.shevibe.com Sandra

    I lasted about two minutes into this horror – holy f’n no way – this is awful…but thanks for the giggle.

  • http://www.sexmmorpg.net Beth

    WOW, there were better looking Geocities websites in 1996. Even throwing up a free WordPress theme would be a huge improvement.

  • http://www.NakedAtOurAge.com Joan Price

    This video is hilarious, Epiphora, and so is your commentary! How did you find this? If there’s a contest for worst-and-most-hilarious vibrator ad, this would win it.

    So do the hands go numb keeping the thing from skittering away before the blurry ball of orgasm occurs, I wonder….

    Thanks also for revealing the money-back guarantee.

    I’m sharing your review on my Naked at Out Age Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/JoanPriceAuthor) — many thanks for the laughs!

  • Imogen

    I can’t even. There are no words.

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