Jan 242011
 

[At long last! Yeah, I’m behind.]

October 1st, 2010

WHY WHY WHY WHY:

WHY WHY WHY WHY.

November 13th, 2010

I took a break from playing Plants vs. Zombies

…to watch a new Burning Angel porno, Doppelganger. The first scene was set in a DILDO FACTORY. I promptly skipped it, though, because solo scenes are boooring.

I found myself at Jiz Lee and Joanna Angel’s scene, which begins with them trying to pitch the idea of the new Joanna Angel sex doll to a bunch of corporate dudes. The dudes aren’t paying attention, so Jiz asks, “don’t you guys find this the least bit exciting?” Some dude replies, “um, not as exciting as… HAPPY HOUR AT MOTHERFUCKIN’ APPLEBEE’S!” Then all the dudes get up and leave the room whilst singing “FUZZY NAVEL TIIIIME.”

Amazing.

The rest of the jacking-off sesh was uneventful, although it verified that yes, the LELO Gigi still disappears into my vagina when I use it.

December 8th, 2010

I took a bath while the boyfriend played Wii. The cats were absolutely enthralled, and yet also disturbed. One of them started backing away when the LELO Isla drifted toward him atop the water. Meanwhile, the Nomi Tang Getaway Wild ended up in the drain (FORESHADOWING?).

I got off with the Mystic Wand despite two cats creeping on me and sometimes licking my knee.

December 12th, 2010

Um, so, there’s this scene in Tori Black is Pretty Filthy 2

Hot girls, amazing lighting, windswept hair, backseat of car?! Daaaang. They are trying to get me to jizz in my pants, and it is TOTALLY WORKING.

Good job, fat cat porno dudes — you got something right for once. Plus, there are no disgusting purple dildos!

I used the amazing NobEssence Seduction. I didn’t squirt, but simply feeling the G-spot pressure while I came was awesome.

December 17th, 2010

Having recently received a screener of Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Female Orgasms, I dove right into the workshop portion. But, problem: the workshop portion also shows clips from the sex scenes. So I was turned on, but also needed to eat lunch.

Naturally, I made a corn dog and ate it while watching Kate St. Ives suck Sean Michaels off. It was actually not as weird as I had anticipated.

Eventually, after the corn dog was long gone, I used the Mystic Wand on my clit while thrusting with the Pure Wand. I came once, but wanted to keep going, so I switched to the Wahl on my clit. HOLY CRAP, I forgot how intense that first setting on the Wahl is! It made me jiggle my leg like an animal being scratched in the right spot. I eventually came again, and oozed.

December 22nd, 2010

I was watching more of the new Tristan movie, just hangin’ out and takin’ screenshots, when I suddenly made a new friend on Google Talk (previously just a friend on Twitter), Vega. We discussed how hilarious the Hitachi is (so gigantic, so loud) and suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere except not at all, she mentioned The Room, my favorite bad movie of all time.

Vega: also, partially on topic
Vega: i think The Room would have made a lot more sense to me if, at some point, a hitachi was in use
Vega: because then i would understand — oh, it’s just a weird porno
Epiphora: you just made me giggle across the room
Epiphora: so
Epiphora: loudly
Vega: LISA HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO BRRRRRRRRRRRR
Epiphora: I’M FED UP WITH THIS BRRRRRRRRR
Vega: YOU LOOK SO SEXY LISA I LOVE YOU SO BRRRRRRRRRR
Epiphora: YOU’RE MY FAVORITE CUSTOMER BRRRRR
Vega: I GOT THE RESULTS OF THE TEST BACK I DEFINITELY HAVE BRRRRRRRRRRR
Epiphora: im crying
Epiphora: from joy

After a lot more laughter and hilarity, I got back to my original aim of jacking off. I finished myself off while watching Dylan Ryan and Mr. Marcus go at it.

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  • http://elodieonlove.com/ Elodie

    That dildo scares me ;_;

    I try to remember to lock my cats out of the room while playing, alone or with K, because one of them likes to try to join in. She has been known to bap me and nibble my toes while I’m tied up.

  • Vega

    fuck yeah, my internet fame is impending

  • Conrad

    You’re tearing me apart lis-Brrrrrrrrrr!

  • Conrad

    @Elodie: Cats are the perverts of the animal kingdom.

  • http://menstrualpoetry.com Holly

    This made me very happy. Also, the cat licking the knee? Vincent does that to me every single time I’m in the bath and Devin always lays on the bathmat while I’m in the tub, without fail. Perhaps they think that because they hate water and feel like they’re being killed when they need to get a bath, they think you feel the same way, so out of support and solidarity, they need to be there to watch over the events. It’s like they mosey on in all, “SOLIDARITY, SISTER!”

  • http://menstrualpoetry.com Holly

    Oh, ALSO! I forgot to mention! I just got the Lelo Gigi yesterday and upon quickly opening it to inspect it from every angle I immediately noticed how small it is. Every single picture I have ever seen it has made me think it was longer. A lot longer. I haven’t used it yet, but I know damn well it’s going to disappear inside of me for sure.

  • vulgar wheat

    This made me happy on two levels. My college has a four-time-weekly movie screening for one dollar (hells yeah), and one of them was the Room. Tommy Wiseau came and did a Q&A. It was amazing.

    Another thing they do in the movie screening is porn, twice a year (for the record, “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin” is a terrible porno, worth only watching for the dialogue, which is inspired). My boyfriend and I bought candy and tings and ate them at the showing, to the stares of my friends.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @vulgar wheat: I have seen him do a Q&A before. I don’t know if there are words to describe how it made me feel. Amused and disturbed, perhaps.

  • http://pollyvincere.wordpress.com Polly Vincere

    Gotta love some hot chicks in the back of a car.

    Oh yes.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @Polly Vincere: I feel validated knowing that you like it too. I felt a bit guilty being so turned on by something that is totally cliche and clearly made for the menz.

  • http://pollyvincere.wordpress.com Polly Vincere

    @Epiphora:
    There are plenty of straightmanfriendly images, etc. that I find very appealing too. I think, in those particular shots you provided, the women look so thrilled and ALIVE. That marker, at least for me, is what separates the “Omg another straightmanfriendly eewwy thing??” from “OH HELZ YEAH THAT’S HOT!” :)

    Notice I didn’t comment on what I really wanted to say. Lol