Jul 192010
 

June 6th, 2010

Here’s a little secret for you: I’ve been jacking off to words lately. I know, blasphemy. I usually hate erotica. I generally don’t fantasize. I prefer graphic depictions of genitals going into other genitals. But this particular fiction — a slash pairing which is morally objectionable on more than one level — is hot to the max. This one little smut scene involved squirting. Mmm.

I’ve also been spending several jack-off sessions comparing the Vixen Johnny with the Maverick. Finally, I think I’ve figured out the difference. Unfortunately the only word I can think to describe it is that Johnny is meaty. WTF, brain? Are you trying to write disgusting erotica?

Also, dual orgasms are the story of my life now. I found my NuvaRing on the floor afterward. Oops.

June 8th, 2010

Needing to do more “research” on the sensations of the Pure Wand, I jacked off for over an hour in a drunken daze. Those words are important: drunken daze. Reading the same several paragraphs over and over more times than I want to admit, I fucked myself endlessly with the Pure Wand whilst holding the Eroscillator on my clit. I squirted whenever I felt like it (a lot), brought myself to a clitoral orgasm, and only stopped to pick up the Wahl and carry on.

Eventually the body of the Wahl got so hot that I was afraid it was going to die on me. Yet still I continued, chasing another clitoral orgasm. It took forever, but I busied myself with squirting episodes. I don’t think I’ve ever squirted so much in a single session.

The next morning, I found a huge puddle on my desk chair, still wet. Apparently the Throe, which I had haphazardly bunched under me the whole time, wasn’t covering it completely. I also found my NuvaRing nonchalantly sitting on my desk, like a present from my drunken self, despite having absolutely no recollection of fishing it out of my vagina and setting it there the night before. Classy.1

June 14th, 2010

Sasha Grey is opposed only to “shit, animals, and children.” I know you were wondering. I watched her scene with Belladonna in Fetish Fanatic 4. The scene was hot as hell, and I’ll probably end up doing a feature on it, but let me use this space to gripe about one thing. I absolutely do not understand the appeal of choking on gross dildos in porn. This makes no sense to me! At all! In fact, it infuriates me when it has to come in and bombard my eyes during an otherwise extremely hot scene. Case in point:

Like, really? Disgusting purple jelly dong of doom? That’s all you could find to stick down Sasha Grey’s amazing throat? I’d be into throat-fucking with a dildo that is actually sexy, like Maverick, but this is just… the point at which I skip forward in the porn.

June 15th, 2010

This is the day I received the Je Joue SaSi — you know, oral sex simulator wondertoy of the decade? So forgoing my usual masturbation schedule, I jacked off mid-day, while my friends Elodie and Outspoken Clitic chatted it up in a Meebo room on my secondary monitor. I kept getting distracted by reading the conversation. I’m a creep like that.

As I jacked off, I watched a dork receive a blowjob in Delinquents

…but nothing could tear my brain away from the sheer anger I was feeling toward the SaSi. When I finally achieved orgasm, AN HOUR LATER, it was weak and short-lived. I stuffed SaSi in a corner and marched over to my boyfriend. “I’m so pissed,” I said.

There was another masturbation session after this in which I again rolled my eyes at SaSi’s sensations, but it’s too boring to write about.

June 23rd, 2010

The day of reckoning. I had the Njoy Eleven in my possession. I was terrified to use it. I kinda stared at it for a while. Then I watched My Own Master, warmed up with the Luxotiq Isis, and hesitantly inserted the small end of the Eleven in my vagina. It went in… easily. But to my shock, I was not immediately in love. As a sort of joke to myself, I decided to try to insert the large end (which is 2″ in diameter, FYI). Fully expecting sharp pain and failure, the large end… also… slid into me… pretty easily. Yeah, let’s just say I’ve started a blog post entitled “My vagina is a black hole.”

That’s all I have to say on the subject of the Eleven. For now. I must do more “testing.”

  1. Don’t try this at home, folks. The NuvaRing isn’t supposed to be outside of the vagina for that long. []
  • http://britisshameless.com Britni TheVadgeWig

    I don’t particularly like erotica, but I get off to “words.” Unlike you, I don’t really watch much porn and pretty much my entire fantasy/motivation in getting off is auditory in nature. I “hear” dirty things being said to me in my head, usually something that a current or former lover has said to me at some point while fucking. I’m very aroused by words.

  • http://dangerouslilly.com Dangerous Lilly

    I still really want to get an Eleven but I have to wait to see if my tendonitis in my elbow will clear up first.
    omg. i sounded, like, 95 there.

    What made you scared of the big end of the Eleven? You love Randy, right? Isn’t Randy slightly bigger?

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @Dangerous Lilly: Randy is a hair bigger, but Randy is made of VixSkin… not solid stainless steel.

  • http://mendthiscrack.wordpress.com/ Ashley

    Your Jack-off Journals are wonderful and hilarious and I love them. They should all be collected in a book someday. I’d put that book on my coffee table.

  • http://lovesickrobot.com lovesickrobot

    Just as scaredey-cats sometimes remind themselves “they’re only actors, it isn’t real” at horror films, when watching porn sometimes I have to cover my eyes and tell myself “it’s really body-friendly TPR, it’s got to be, it just *looks* like evil jelly!” Even if I don’t always believe it, it helps a little.

  • http://www.fantasticallynaughty.com Jess Manifesto

    The eleven really does look intimidating. I’m anxiously awaiting your vaginal/black hole post.

  • http://lovesickrobot.com lovesickrobot

    Also, what kind of slashfic was it? When I think of slashfic, I think of http://ksarchive.com/ which is a massive archive of gay Kirk/Spock love/sex/sitcom stories. Nothing sexier than a pair of retro sci-fi idiotypes of altruistic passion representing the complementary parts of the human experience.

  • http://thecherryscoop.blogspot.com/ Sundae

    Ahahaha. You and your shameful slash. 8D…

    <3

  • http://www.kateanon.wordpress.com kateanon

    Ooh, now I wonder what you were reading!

  • http://twitter.com/hopeandmemory Liz

    Interestingly enough, porn doesn’t do anything for me, but stick me in front of some filthy erotica and I can fap until the batteries die.

    Kind of want to get myself a Pure Wand. Never squirted before and I really want to give it a shot.

  • http://www.namelesschaos.com namelesschaos

    the shoving of jelly toys down throats turn me off too, even more so I’m nutrition major your putting all those chemicals in the entry way I’m most familial with! Please keep the nasty chemical away from either end or your GI tracks people.

  • Selective Sensualist

    I’ve never quite understood the appeal of having toys of any kind in your throat. It’s just not sexy to me like living flesh (i.e., a real cock) is . . . Oh, and how I wish I had a Maverick to do comparisons with my Johnny!

  • http://pollyvincere.wordpress.com Polly Vincere

    What is wrong with you people? Why don’t you want a chemical laden hunk of who-knows-what shoved down your throat until you choke?
    Seriously. Eww.
    P.S.
    June 6 was my birthday. :)