Courtney Trouble’s Seven Minutes in Heaven is a queer reality porn series. I am enamored with the first Seven Minutes in Heaven, and I thought Seven Minutes in Heaven 2 was pretty good as well. Seven Minutes in Heaven 3, however, feels like a step backward in ways that are difficult to articulate.
The thing is, I don’t connect with many of the performers. The exceptions are the adorable and endearing Cyd Loverboy (duh, he’s amazing) and Drew Deveaux. I like Red Jackhammer, too, but Red doesn’t really do anything exciting in this installment. The rest just don’t strike me as people I want to watch fucking. Let’s leave it at that.1
I was excited about the length of Seven Minutes 3 — at first. But I found that two hours is simply too much when so many of the scenes aren’t arousing to me. Out of the 11 scenes, there are about 3.5 I would watch again. And out of those, probably only two that I would watch a third time. I don’t like to resort to bulletpoint lists, but it’s the only way to accurately explain everything without seeming scatterbrained:
- Drew and Cyd’s scene. They talk dirty, and Cyd squirts from the power of the Eleven. The best scene.
- Doctor/patient roleplaying in the scene where Red gets doted on.
- A cat slinking around in the background of one scene.
- Casey topping Cyd. She’s a good top, and he is excellent at sucking cock.
- Drew and Casey’s scene in the closet — because it’s in a closet.
- The last video confessional.
- Casey calling spit the “best lube in the world.” No.
- Too much damn hitting. I like a bit of rough-housing, but this is just ridiculous.
- Scenes that end very suddenly. My reaction: “uh, did anyone orgasm? What just happened? Oh well, I’m glad it’s over, I guess.”
- The scene between Rusty, Drew, Cyd, and Chastity. Four people, two Njoy toys — it’s just too much moaning and insanity. Very overwhelming to watch.
- A pink condom on the Eleven. I understand the need for safe sex, but I want to see that beautiful stainless steel, not pink latex.
- Casey moans like demons are being exorcised from her body.
- Leotard. Hipster glasses. Distracting zit. Granny panties.
- Lack of cat slinking around in the other ten scenes.
Also, the style of the video confessionals has changed completely. Now they are in black and white, which I think gives the film a darker atmosphere than it should. The previous video confessionals were bright, colorful and set against a white background, which felt more playful and fun.
Even though the scenes aren’t very long, and some of them are quite short, they tend to feel tedious. And let me tell you, the word tedious is not something that should come to my mind while watching porn. Seven Minutes 3 aims for greatness and epic length, but instead just feels painfully long and under-edited. Of course, I wouldn’t be saying that if all the scenes were hot. But they aren’t.
It’s possible that I’m a total weirdo, and that others would find these scenes/people way hotter than I did, so I’ll leave room for that. But suffice to say, Seven Minutes in Heaven 3 is just not up my alley the way the previous ones were.
- I’m also entirely turned off by the porn names Rusty Nails and Chastity Boner. What the fuck, seriously? [↩]
from one of my affiliate links to support my work!
Did you like this? Subscribe for more of it!
Get new posts directly in your inbox!
Get my less frequent Snark Digest newsletter with posts + exclusive content!