04.06.10

Watch battery bullets can suck it

Hey, watch battery bullets — have I told you lately to suck it?

No? Yeah, that’s because usually when a dildo comes with a watch battery bullet, I toss the bullet into a container and never use it. Hence, the existence of a watch battery bullet tends to read as an afterthought in many of my reviews.

These silver rascals come with many Tantus dildos, and other dildos with holes in their bases. They also sometimes disguise themselves with wild colors and designs. But they all suck just as equally. Let me elaborate:

  1. They arrive D.O.A. or die quickly. I estimate that 75% of the watch battery bullets I receive come to me already dead. And if one doesn’t, I can rest assured it’ll be dead soon. If I ever use it…
  2. They break. I have had more than one bullet randomly break on me. They become unusable, with unresponsive buttons and fickle bouts of vibration.
  3. I look stupid putting the batteries in. The tiny batteries must be dropped into the bullet at just the right angle — all three of them. It’s like a carnival game, only completely stripped of all joy.
  4. Watch batteries are annoying to buy and not rechargeable. Many argue that watch batteries are expensive, which is debatable. You can get a decent deal if you buy them in bulk, but who wants to do that? Also consider: rechargeable AAs last for 1,800 charges each. Yeah.
  5. Oh yeah, and I’d rather get off with anything else. Like, I don’t know, something stronger. Or more interesting. Or rechargeable. Anything that’s not a watch battery bullet.

So next time you see me pooh-poohing watch battery bullets, you will know precisely why.

For now, I knock the watch batteries out of their bullets and put them in my laser pointer. My cats have far more fun with “The Red Bug” than I ever will with a watch battery bullet.

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  5. Review: Little Chroma

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Filed under Banter, Epic Fail, Whine Time | 9 Comments

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  • http://www.ThatToyChick.com ThatToyChick

    That’s why I chucked all my mini bullets and opted for a Rocks Off “ROMM-80″ bullet instead. I like them because they take an N size battery (which it comes with). It acts more like a regular vibrator than a bullet, and has a pointy end that’s good for poking..er..stuff. I mean, Ns are probably still a little specialized of a size, but a hell of a lot easier to put in than those stupid disc batteries.

    I think cali just knocked off the bullet, too. Not sure if theirs uses an N, but it’s the same shape and size.

    P.S. – The bullets themselves can be highly entertaining when combined with cats and a hard floor. Just set it to skittering on the floor – nothing’s funnier than a cat chasing a bullet around.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @ThatToyChick: All good suggestions! Especially to use the bullets as cat toys. I will test this and see if it is as entertaining as The Red Bug.

  • The Kama Mama

    I could not agree more! Watch battery bullets are like the David Spade of sex toys – kinda cute in certain circumstances, but really annoying and never enough to get you off.

  • http://ofsexandlove.com adriana

    @Epiphora: Man, I want to reply to you both about the cat toy thing. True story, there are a few Tantus bullets floating around my house because the cats stole them.

  • http://erosandisis.tumblr.com/ Iesza

    Oh so sad.

    Well I guess you’ll be disappointed with the bullet I added to the Chunkee Monkey I just sent over to play with you.

    -Darn. Shoulda done more R&D before adding them to the mix.

    I have been wondering myself about the quality of these little guys and have switched suppliers twice now thinking it might be the source. I usually go through the bag they send me and toss a third myself. -Which is very upsetting when I have to buy bulk.

    Being an eco-related corporation I’ve been frustrated being expected to have vibes at all.

    We texture our designs as not only to encourage natural stimulation, but a reason to avoid batteries all together. Even rechargeable batteries are bad for the environment. So we have been in debate over the bullet vibe issue since the very beginning. Hearing you vent on the subject now, has cemented my own feelings on ditching the vibe option all together and sticking to a “natural” stimulation based design mandate. I’m just not sure the public is ready to give up their “need for speed”.

    -PLUS the vibes come to me in three layers of plastic beyond what you get -which is already too much. Let me know if your little monkey tickles your fancy minus his vibe.
    Maybe we can convert the masses away from power-tools. :) Thanks for being a great source of “wisdom” for us all.

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    @Iesza: Thank you for the thoughtful comment! Don’t worry, the inclusion of a small bullet never alters my opinion of a toy. I know a lot of people desire vibrations, even if they are weak ones. Personally, texture is far more stimulating to me.

  • Virginia

    You stole the rant right out of my mouth! I gave up on these a long time ago for ALL the reasons you mentioned!!

    <3

  • Trix

    Preach, sister! May I add: the batteries are damn near impossible to remove from any of ‘em. I whack the damn thing against a hard surface, use tweezers (fretting all the while that I’ll damage the vibrator), whatever, and they still don’t come out. Even worse when they’ve died mid-session, and the vibe and/or your fingers are covered in lube. And you have to screw the base shut with just the right amount of tightness, or it won’t work (no symbols or anything to show you where the ends match up). Bullets are just an abomination in general. If the hole in the base of my dildo wasn’t taunting me, I’d never use one again.

  • InsatiablyTaken

    I am super late to this but eh, whatever. All those annoying watch battery bullets I get, I make them into cat toys too. I put the bullet in a old sock, tie the sock, turn on the bullet and let the cats go to town on their new buzzing enemy.