Yes indeed, I run what the general population would call a “sex blog.” I spend my days drafting posts about sex toys, porn, and more sex toys. I am incredibly open about my sexual rendezvous (although I’ve never wanted to write erotica or anything like it, making me a lot less explicit than some other sex bloggers). And yes, dear god, I hang out on Twitter, Google Talk, and Facebook, where my musings about sexy things are published to those who follow me.
This should not be an invitation to wheedle, harass, or talk dirty to me — yet some men take it as one.
Clearly, they feel entitled. They feel that my sex blogging immediately positions me as a sex object, or at least a person who can be messed with on a sexual level. I’m guessing they are not used to a woman being so nonchalant about her sexuality, and this (unnecessarily) arouses them. Whatever the bullshit reason, I’m fucking sick of it.
Trigger warning: What follows is a conglomeration of the many ways I have been inappropriately spoken to online by men. Underneath that, enjoy some serious bitching from yours truly.
— — —
ENTITLED THOUGHT #1: “You are masturbating, therefore I am welcome to join in.”
I jack off. A lot. I’m a sex toy reviewer, and I simply enjoy having long, drawn-out masturbation sessions. In fact, I have been known to chat with people mid-masturbation, because I’m always at a computer watching porn. Sometimes I tweet while jacking off. This results in DMs such as: “hi you know i can help nxt time. 
” Oh yes — I’ll definitely get on that.
Last May, a dude I had been @ replying with on Twitter asked if we could chat on Google Talk. This was, honest to god, our first exchange:
Dude: Hola
Me: hey there
Me: im in the middle of jacking off and about to go to bed
Me: it’s 5:23am here
Dude: Mmmm…cum for me
Dude: its gettin my cock hard
Me: no offense, but i thought you said chat, not have cybersex
Dude: chat. but, i was just tryin to help you out..my bad 
I should’ve blocked him. I really should’ve. But then I wouldn’t have these other gems to share with you from our next (and last) conversation…
ENTITLED THOUGHT #2: “You are comfortable talking about sexuality, so I will wow you with my ‘enormous’ penis.”
The next time that same dude IMed me, he was quick to congratulate himself two minutes after the conversation started — “See. We can have a convo thats NOT about sex. Lol” — but of course, it did become about sex. Very quickly. He wanted to know how big my boyfriend’s penis was. I told him I’d never measured it, but that shorter was better for G-spot stimulation.
Dude: Really? You think so
Me: the g-spot is only a few inches inside the vagina
Me: shallow thrusting is often encouraged if you want to hit it
Dude: Well with me its the toe-tal opposite.
Dude: Im 7″ long but not thick and it works everytime.
Of course it does. Of course it does.
Dude: The ladies are like Wow! once they see it. I have made 1 chic squirt in my history of sexual adventures.
Me: it is my goal in life to be able to squirt during sex
Me: but i require so much speed its nearly impossible… so far
Dude: Speed as in thrust wise.
Me: yeah
Dude: Im ur man. Lol.
Me: i dont think it is physically possible for any person to thrust that fast
Dude: Doggie and anal with me is amazin. Im not as quick and fast as a vibe but i hold my own.
That was where I decided I was over this fucking guy. (Did I mention this guy supposedly has a girlfriend? Supposedly.)
ENTITLED THOUGHT #3: “What? I’m complimenting you!”
In August of last year, I received this piece of work in my message box on Facebook, with the enticing subject “HI CUTTIE.”
Nice to meet U. . .so pleased 2 knw U so much addicted 2 sex,can be so luvly so watch porN Alot. . .so sex makes u WILD&HORNY. . .ur blog iz so fascinatin’,expect moore 4rm U. . .seem U luv sex toys more than ur boyfrend’s Flaccid PeNiS. . .
WAY TO COMPLIMENT A WOMAN IN AN EXTREMELY HAPPY AND COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. Great fucking job.
ENTITLED THOUGHT #4: “Any time is sex time. With you, person I don’t know at all.”
I didn’t think this particular guy would stoop so low. He had emailed me back in April, asking me, “as a feminist,” what I thought of Howard Stern. He wrote, among other things, “I tend to associate with the ideas of feminism but I sure love porn and sex.” He complimented my site and we exchanged a few completely normal emails. And that would be all well and good, except for the sudden instant message I received in November (which I ignored):
Dude: horny?
And the next one I received in December:
Dude: horny?
To which I replied, “…?” And his response was: “are you horny, a simple enough question? sort of like ‘having a good day?’”
Actually, no, that’s not a “simple question.” It’s fucking harassment. You do not know me. We are not friends. We have never spoken on Google Talk. You do not have the right to ask me if I’m horny, let alone get any fucking answer about it.
So this guy, who claims to “associate with the ideas of feminism,” feels entitled to begin a conversation with me by asking if I’m horny (and, phrased this way, it sounds like I pretty much should be). Oh yeah, that’s definitely feminist. Fucking hell.
ENTITLED THOUGHT #5: “You are female, so suck my dick.”
Then the straw that broke the camel’s back. A couple days ago, I checked my Formspring inbox, and there was this eloquent question:
would u suck my dick to save my life?
This pisses me off because it’s so fucking smug. I can just see this douchebag, submitting that and sitting back in his chair with a sickly self-satisfied grin on his face. She has to say yes! Or else she’ll look like she would let a person die! [queue disgusting laughter and the inevitable drag from a Hamm's.]
I deleted that shit so fast.
— — —
The sad thing about these encounters is that they are not rare. This kind of shit happens to most, if not all, women who write about sexuality online (and many who don’t). This sense of entitlement is everywhere, and we need to start speaking up about it. Britni writes:
When you ask me what my favorite toy is and I respond that I love my Hitachi, it is not okay for you to respond (on our first, second, or third conversation) with, “I wanna watch u use it on urself,” or, “o yea? u cum hard?” Dude. I’m not trying to have cyber sex with you right now! And people don’t seem to get that my tone of professionalism and my cold responses are implying that they are stepping over a line.
And that is where I feel I’m not being enough of a feminazi. Like with big dick guy, I kept talking to him, trying to be nice, trying not to take offense. But you know what? I’m offended. I’m really fucking offended that these guys think they can talk to me the way that they do. I’m tired of feeling alone in this, because I know (and mourn the fact that) I’m not. In fact, as I was writing this post, I asked a toy-reviewing friend whether something similar had ever happened to her. She thought that it hadn’t… then she realized it had.
If this has happened to you, please, make a big stink about it. I’ve already been quiet too long.
And to every guy who feels entitled to come on to me, insinuate shit about me, cyber with me — fuck you. Fuck you for being too stupid or too inconsiderate to think about my feelings. Fuck you for assuming that, because I am a sexual person and I express some of that on the internet, that you get to be my next sexual partner. Fuck you for not caring that I’m in a monogamous and happy relationship with a man who has a brain that comes before his cock. And fuck you for making me feel like there’s no way I can win against you — because explaining this to you won’t make a difference, and ignoring you makes me angry.
— — —
NOTE: I will not be allowing victim-blaming comments on this post. I want this to be a safe space where we can all feel comfortable sharing our experiences.
Here are some posts from others on similar subjects. Contact me if you have a post I could add to the list.
- Same shit, different site
- What not to say
- Question sixteen
- Fear and loathing: My experience with male entitlement and sexual harassment
- I get harassed for being a woman who reviews toys and talks about sex
- Being promiscuous doesn’t necessarily mean I will fuck you
- Loose associations
- Is it possible to block all dating site emails? Forever?
- Douchebag exposure
- Just because I’m a woman…
- Flake Factor
If you liked this, you might also enjoy these posts:
Like
January 26th, 2010 at 5:46 pm
You already know this, but I love you for writing this.
January 26th, 2010 at 5:55 pm
I actually haven’t received any of that crap yet, but it’s only a matter of time. People can be so…insensitive. It’s the internet – not everything is their personal pornography.
Great post.
January 26th, 2010 at 5:57 pm
You know the weird thing? I got *tons* more of this crap when I was younger and hadn’t even -heard- of the adult industry. Like, all the god damned time, tens of times a day.
Now? Almost never happens. Also, in a conscious effort not to let people like this wreck my day, I wander off if the first sentence is not correctly spelled, punctuated properly and is reasonably coherent/interesting. You’re a lot kinder than I am with fellas like that – I’ll shut that shit down in the first two sentences. If you don’t have the time to speak to me properly, I don’t have the time to talk to you!
Sorry they’re griefing you, bb. This is the crap that makes open, honest sexbloggers a minority instead of a majority.
January 26th, 2010 at 5:59 pm
What the hell? I’d like to say I’m surprised, but I’m really not. I’d also like to blame internet anonymity but I bet these jerks do it to women in person (at bars, etc).
January 26th, 2010 at 6:05 pm
I don’t think I’m quite popular enough to have experienced this from being a sex blogger, but I have experienced this type of entitled behavior both online and in real life. I’ll try and write about it tomorrow and get it posted.
It’s rude and annoying, but I’m not surprised by the behavior at all.
January 26th, 2010 at 6:07 pm
I’ve experienced exactly that as well. Mind you it hasn’t happened on Twitter, but mainly MSN. I’ve had guys ask me random things, exactly like that totally out of the blue. Even though I clearly state that I’m a lesbian, and clearly state that on the front of my website.
They must get this idea in their head, that because I use a vibrator, that I must enjoy penis. I use a vibrator because a penis doesn’t give me the satisfaction that the vibrator gives me.
Something must be wired wrongly in their heads.
January 26th, 2010 at 6:09 pm
I’m so glad that so many of us are writing about it. Maybe if we all make a big enough stink about it, someone will catch on and it will stop. We’re only a small part of the community, but it has to start somewhere.
Thank you for writing this. <3
January 26th, 2010 at 6:19 pm
Cool. So…horny?
Great post E!
January 26th, 2010 at 6:21 pm
@Red: ALWAYS.
January 26th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
first ever visit to your blog, and waoh – what an entry! thanks for that !
i’m really glad I stopped by…
can’t wait to check on the rest.
January 26th, 2010 at 7:11 pm
Thank you for writing this.
January 26th, 2010 at 7:20 pm
Man, I guess Mimi is lucky for having me around to harass her so that no one else does. We haven’t received anything close to the level of BS described in these postings. I think it is because the internetz are afraid of my manly beard.
January 26th, 2010 at 7:27 pm
Thank you for writing this. It’s so frustrating that we can’t stop these creeps from logging on and harassing us. When I first started blogging and hanging out on Twitter, I almost ran and deleted my accounts, because I got some very creepy comments and messages. And this was before I ever started posting HNTs! Thank goodness I had sex blogger friends to talk me through it. We need to band together and say that we WILL NOT put up with this bullshit.
Can we wow you with our enormous silicone penises that come in pretty colors? Pretty please?
January 26th, 2010 at 7:29 pm
well said, totally agree. I’m a sex worker and blogger and I get so many guys writing me to get my attention for free, or my time, etc. it’s just annoying and I really don’t understand where they get the idea that its ok to do…
January 26th, 2010 at 8:38 pm
@Luscious Lily: YES, yes you can. Especially if they are lime green or orange.
January 26th, 2010 at 8:56 pm
This reminds me of a time.. I had posted something to an LJ group about sex tips and given the nature of that group, I was probably saying something I had personal experience with. Because i posted with my personal account, a user found my screenname and IMed me.. somehow he assumed “giving reasonable advice based on personal experience” equals “this chick wants to talk sex with me.” Uh, no.
January 26th, 2010 at 10:41 pm
“would u suck my dick to save my life?”
Anybody pathetic enough to post that on Formspring pretty much deserves a horrible death in a volcano.
Just sayin’.
January 26th, 2010 at 10:41 pm
@Adriana: I’ve posted on SexTips numerous times, and some of those people are just…bah.
January 27th, 2010 at 12:43 am
I’ve had this happen to me loads…people think that I am a complete whore because I am open about my sexuality. It drives me nuts!! I only get down and dirty for my boyfriend, or myself. Anyone else is a loser. I hate people on Myspace IM’ing me because I’ve got cleavage in my pic, saying ‘HEY HOTTIE WANNA GO OUT WIT ME?’ and I’m like…not if you start a conversation like that, idiot!
January 27th, 2010 at 1:20 am
Um, what? I’m so offended, Piph. I, for one, AM always horny. Also, TOTALLY IMPRESSED by slender 7 inch cocks that always work. Like, hello?!? And, dude, CLEARLY if you are watching porn and masturbating, I am welcome to join. Why else would you answer my IMs?
rofl.
Excellent post, though, in all seriousness, as you know.
We all must talk more about this. In very great, graphic detail, and in sexy erotica reading voices, please.
January 27th, 2010 at 1:48 am
This is so true.
I had one guy telling me about his wife and kids in one email and then telling me what he wanted to do to me/have me to do him in the next email. I am so *not* okay with that, even if he wasn’t butt ugly (they always want to send pictures, usually of their cocks!). I was trying to be polite so told him that I’m happy to chat but not like that, and although he apologised it wasn’t long before he was trying it on again.
I know guys can be douchebags in real life but I wonder if it’s worse on the Internet because you’re not a real person to them, you’re a fantasy figure and there will be no ramifications for trying it on, although there should be. They can’t see your face so your look of disgust won’t bruise your ego. The Internet is amazing for so many reasons but it certainly brings idiots out of the woodwork.
Great post!
xxxx
January 27th, 2010 at 4:03 am
So very true Lovely.
January 27th, 2010 at 4:24 am
Oh, I hear you! When I first started blogging, even tho most of my work mentioned one man very specifically, I got a lot of emails sending me dick pics and invitations to ‘help them out’. Ruf thought it was quite amusing and I think he rather got off on the fact that these men were looking at my bottom whilst they jacked off, especially when it became clear that for some of them I was old enough to be their mother!
I joined Facebook and acquired a large number of male ‘friends’ some of whom just waited for me to appear online so as to try to entice me into cybersex. To the point where I now have the chat part offline all the time. I would have been quite happy to just chat with them and learn about their lives!
Mind you, I have some friends on singles sites and it seems to be quite standard for a man’s introductory comment to be ‘Do you want to see my cock?’ Errr… well, we’d rather see your face first, if you don’t mind.
Maybe it’s a man thing…?
Whatever, it is most bizarre.
January 27th, 2010 at 7:16 am
I need to make my own post about this. Because I’ve gotten some creepers emailing me before. I have one guy that periodically sends me photos, usually after I post a risque HNT. He acts like we’re doing some sort of photo exchange. The sense of ‘she’s posting photos FOR ME’ that I get from him really unsettles me.
Well, I know what I’ll be posting about later. Thank you for posting this and opening up discussion about something nearly all of us experience but rarely think to talk about.
January 27th, 2010 at 11:19 am
Internet is one thing, but I actually answer phones and speak to people about sex toys and sexual health. I find I sometims have to remind people that I don’t get paid by the minute
Starts off as an innocent question about a certain toy and then it turns into what they’d like to do with it; what would I do with it…and of course much more. I’ve been doing it for so long I just laugh and steer them back to the point. If they don’t behave, I hang up. Now when they call (without blocking caller id mind you) I just pick up and hang up. Some of these guys want you to get mad and scold them. I don’t see this going away for you – I’m so sorry to say. Time to load up your snappy answers to stupid questions artillery and bomb away!
January 27th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
I’ve definitely gotten this, more from dating sites and in real life than from blogging, but distressingly commonly then. On sites like OKCupid, I’m pretty honest about my interest in sex and I link to my blog. I’ve had guys ask, within five lines of beginning an AIM conversation, if I’m a squirter because I must be if I masturbate a lot. And assume that because I responded to a first message, I’m ready to make a sex date with them and ask for time and place and even outfit plans!
The more upsetting stuff actually happened in real life. I wrote a sex advice column at my college and I had a few male students ask if I’d sleep with them in sort of a charity case way. “Hey, I’m gay and we’re acquaintances because you run the queer club. I’ve never slept with a girl and I’m curious. Can we have sex?” or like “Hey, I just read your column. You like anal sex? We’ve never met but you seem really interesting.” Etc.
It’s definitely frustrating. Thanks for writing about it!
January 27th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Oh man, the best one I have ever gotten from a guy (and I am a guy) was “you should invite me over so you can make me clean _____ in panties” EVERY DAY FOR FOUR MONTHS! Or at least four months going onto today. I have blocked him and everything he keeps following me around the net to say the same damned thing day after day after telling him to not contact me again. Awesome.
Gals and guys seem to be far more open about sex online then in real life. Which has always shocked people who meet me because I am fairly uninhibited about talking about sex in real life, but not loud or obnoxious. To me it is a very interesting subject, but showing interest in something seems to insinuate you are actually interested in anyone who also has a similar interest when online, therefore painting a giant target on your head for people who lack maturity.
January 27th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
Great post. I’ve experienced a lot of similar things, through my blog, or on Twitter.
For a while, though, I almost subscribed to the exact hurtful thoughts that drive many of these men to do things like these. I’d feel uncomfortable when a complete stranger, or someone who I had tweeted with but didn’t know very well, would ask me about my body or my sexual habits. Or would even start cybering with me out of the blue, just like that, without any indication from me that I wanted to do that with him. But because I was a sexblogger, because I posted HNTs, because I discussed my sex life openly in a publicly accessible forum, I thought I deserved all that. I thought I didn’t have the right to be offended when that happened.
I was in a situation once when one of those guys actually bought me a couple items off of my wishlist. I let him know that he wasn’t going to get anything out of it, him buying me stuff wasn’t a guarantee that I was going to do anything like cyber with him, send him pictures, do absolutely *anything* in return. He bought me the stuff anyway. And despite what I had said, I still felt indebted somehow, even though I had never asked him to do anything for me, but I felt like I owed it to him to respond to things he said to me that I didn’t like.
I’m glad I don’t think that way now.
Interestingly – and I think I’m going to write a post elaborating on this – I’ve experienced a lot of behavior not directly related to sexual harassment that has made me feel equally uncomfortable. A guy friended me on fetlife and was asking for a picture of my face. I have a few of my HNTs up there, but as a closeted blogger I was being very protective about my privacy. I can understand why someone would want a picture of my face, but this was a guy who had only sent me a couple of messages, yet had the arrogance to presume that he was entitled to a piece of my personal information.
Even if it wasn’t sexual, it was still fucking invasive.
Like you, I’ve tried to be nice to people like this, but when it reaches a breaking point, I just can’t do it any more.
January 27th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
@Wilhelmina: It’s the presumption that kills me — “I will buy you sex toys, and in return you will do sexy things for me.” It’s so wrong, and yet, what do you say to people like that? How do we get the point across to them? Honestly, I’m not sure there’s a way. I look forward to your post.
January 27th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
@Epiphora I don’t know either. I think the best thing I could have done would be to refuse the gifts altogether. Gift-giving is a fairly intimate act if you think about it, I only give gifts to people I’m close to, so accepting gifts from someone I barely know (who has a clear ulterior motive) should probably be a no…
January 28th, 2010 at 5:46 am
Bravo, I appreciate the post, it’s something I have had an issue with before and I love that you addressed it here.
January 28th, 2010 at 5:23 pm
I blog about politics so I don’t have to deal with this, but major LOLz on this post. Unfortunately all this probably stems from the two dimensional madonna/whore dichotomy women are supposed to fit into and the fact women are basically sexual commodities. Because of this women can’t talk about sex without it being perceived as sexual/sexually available.
But seriously, you won my heart with “I will wow you with my ‘enormous’ penis.”
January 28th, 2010 at 5:34 pm
*applause*
My god, do I agree with this! I know the feeling, and I can’t say much more, as you’ve covered it!
LF x
January 28th, 2010 at 5:37 pm
Thank you so much for writing this. I haven’t gotten any harassment but I also blog for a large organization, so I think I’m somewhat protected from that in quite a few ways. I used this blog as an inspiration for one on what it’s like to blog for a place like the Kinsey Institute. It should post next week here: http://kinseyconfidential.org/blogging-sex-invitation-harrassment/
January 28th, 2010 at 9:52 pm
Fantastic post! I know it must be rough for all of you who blog about sexuality when I get this sort of treatment online and I don’t even have a blog or talk about my sexuality with most people. In my case, I play an online game. Lots of guys seem to think that if you reveal your gender then you must obviously want to hook up. I’ve had guys that upon hearing my voice on Ventrilo send me private messages asking me if I want to cyber later, if I have pics, if I want to see pics of their junk etc. It doesn’t matter if I insist I have a boyfriend. They “know” they are better than him and are under the impression that the simple act of informing me of this should be all they need to do to get me to end my relationship of 8 years and drive however many hundreds of miles to their house for a one night stand. Um. No.
One of my earliest and most severe experiences of being harassed online involved me sharing a pic of myself (a head shot) with someone and then the next day I found they had photoshopped my face into a nude pic and was sending it around to all of my friends. When confronted about it they actually thought that they were complimenting me! They didn’t understand why I didn’t find it flattering!
Some men need to grow up and realize that this behavior is unacceptable. They need to stop and think. Would they like it if someone were treating their daughter, sister or mother like that?
February 1st, 2010 at 10:08 pm
I only have one question — most of what you’ve said here makes total sense, but… if you begin a chat with a stranger with “Jacking off right now” what exactly do you expect him/her to say? “Oh that’s cool. I’m catching up on ‘Lost’ in another window. So what’s your fav book?”
80% of the time random people looking to chat online are horny for cyber sex. If you tell others you are masturbating, you kind of seem like one of the horny ones. I mean, I don’t understand. It’s just… you know… a universal internet come on to tell people you’re masturbating.
February 1st, 2010 at 10:12 pm
I should reiterate though that I agree with everything else you said. I’m just saying — indicating that you are masturbating is 9 times out of 10 SUPPOSED to be recognized as an invitation. Because that’s, like, how it works on the internet.
February 1st, 2010 at 10:19 pm
@Tami: I expect him to understand that I am just explaining what I’m doing. I am a very honest person, and that is genuinely what I was doing at the time. I wanted him to know that I was busy. My jacking off is not a come on, it’s a normal human sexual act. If he takes it as a come-on, he is the one at fault, not me. It does not give him the right to suddenly ask me if I will come for him.
Obviously it wasn’t the best thing to open a conversation with, but if he was a respectful person, he would not just jump right in and assume I wanted to cyber. It’s not like I said, “I’m jacking off. Want to help me finish?”
March 28th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
@Tami:
I mean I think that’s true to some extent, but it’s just another extension of this whole idea that female sexual pleasure has to be in service of male pleasure. I think if dude had said, “Oh sweet! Happy orgasms to you! Let me know if you need some help” then Epiphora would have responded differently. Females have sexual needs, they sometimes take care of them- why is this a big thing?
May 11th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
I write on an adult roleplay site and I get those skeevy and perverted comments all of the time, as well as, on other sites where there is bound to be people interacting with one another. The one I usually get is whether I want to go onto cam and show off or whether I want to engage in cybersex two minutes into talking with the other person. Just because I enjoy writing stories of erotic and sexual nature does not give an open invitation to having random IM’s from unknown assailants telling me that my story or presence ‘made their cock super hard’. I really do appreciate that you are letting it be known that this sort of harassment is unacceptable and should be reported or blogged about to get the word out about the topic. Thank you.
May 11th, 2010 at 9:46 pm
Wow… I have to say, as a male, … Males suck. I don’t get it myself, If a girl wants to cyber, she’ll bring it up, or we’ll get to know each other over a long peroid of time and then I get to know when/if its okay. Never should a conversation start with ‘Horny?” or “Sex?” Or anything like that.
Men need to understand, even porn stars would like to have a normal conversation… Heck, I’m sure porn stars need a normal conversion more than most people.
May 12th, 2010 at 9:59 am
I’m fairly new to the world of blogging so I have yet to encounter much of what you have described. However, as an active member on an erotic roleplaying website, I have encountered my fair share of “I have your IM so now let’s cyber” of expectations. I find that it’s not something I do willy-nilly or simply with anyone ’cause he’s online.
I remember the first time I allowed a new guy on my YIM because I was a “mentor” on the RP website, Elliquiy, and the first thing he said was, “Wanna suck my cock?” I was shocked! No one ever walks up to me in the grocery store and says, “Hi! Wanna suck my cock?” why would they do that over IM? Is a bit of preamble too much to ask for?
I’m glad I found your blog!
June 14th, 2010 at 10:03 am
Wow… These men are crazy. I don’t get anything close to this kind of feedback. (Whew). But then my blog doesn’t have nearly your volume of readership and I am not on Twitter or chat. Maybe your male readers will see this post and take heed?