Tonight I came across a link to a Gizmodo post called “I Had Sex With Furniture: The Shameful (NSFW) Fleshlight Motion Review.” The inclusion of the word “shameful” tells you pretty much all you need to know, but go ahead and force yourself to read/watch it for a better understanding of why it made me roll my eyes. (Oh, and remember my recent Fleshlight review and my boyfriend’s enthusiastic endorsement.)
There’s just no way in hell that this bullshit qualifies as a review. Rather than actually reviewing the product (seriously, he never explains how any of it feels, except that it feels so very shameful), Adam finds 500 ways to say that using Fleshlight products makes him feel ashamed. The fake vagina is “grotesque,” and don’t even ask about the one with bigger labia! That one is “gross”!
He repeatedly calls the Fleshlight material rubber, even though it says Superskin on every page of Fleshlight’s website. Then he contends that the material “feels absolutely nothing like anything resembling a human body part.” Too bad Superskin is incredibly soft and feels just like the skin on a flaccid penis (which explains why Fleshlight’s line of packing cocks has done so well). Really, I have to wonder if he actually even used any of the products at all.
Although he does seem incredibly preoccupied with what he considers the “elaborate” process of using and cleaning a Fleshlight. Which is, clearly, so much more elaborate and shameful than jacking off with lube into a kleenex, then having to throw away the kleenex and wash your dick:
And do you seriously want to go through the process of soaking a fake vagina in water, lubing it up and then going to town on it? And have you thought about what happens when you’re done? This is no kleenex cleanup, my friends. You need to go to a sink and rinse out your rubber vagina and its plastic case. Imagine doing that, and imagine how you’d feel about yourself at that moment. Got that picture in mind? It’s worse than that. Trust me.
Yes, imagine. Conjure images, people. Images of shame. That’s what your semen makes you feel like, right!? You’ve never had to wash it off of anything before, so it’s horrifying, right!? Doing this makes you feel “like less of a man,” right?! Gosh, this explains why my boyfriend screamed and cowered in a corner upon first having to rinse out his Fleshlight case.
Adam also hates the Fleshlight Motion, because “there’s nothing that kills a boner faster than the self-awareness that comes from being balls deep in a piece of furniture.” Which explains why ladies loathe the Sybian.
But what’s perhaps most agitating to me is that Fleshlight seems to have sent this guy hundreds of dollars worth of their products, only for him to laugh in their faces. This proves, unequivocally, that Fleshlight needs to be sending stuff to my boyfriend for me to review. He’d love to try a Motion. Or a Sex in a Can. Or anything made of Superskin. And, hard as it is to believe, he would try them and feel no shame.