Tonight I came across a link to a Gizmodo post called “I Had Sex With Furniture: The Shameful (NSFW) Fleshlight Motion Review.” The inclusion of the word “shameful” tells you pretty much all you need to know, but go ahead and force yourself to read/watch it for a better understanding of why it made me roll my eyes. (Oh, and remember my recent Fleshlight review and my boyfriend’s enthusiastic endorsement.)
There’s just no way in hell that this bullshit qualifies as a review. Rather than actually reviewing the product (seriously, he never explains how any of it feels, except that it feels so very shameful), Adam finds 500 ways to say that using Fleshlight products makes him feel ashamed. The fake vagina is “grotesque,” and don’t even ask about the one with bigger labia! That one is “gross”!
He repeatedly calls the Fleshlight material rubber, even though it says Superskin on every page of Fleshlight’s website. Then he contends that the material “feels absolutely nothing like anything resembling a human body part.” Too bad Superskin is incredibly soft and feels just like the skin on a flaccid penis (which explains why Fleshlight’s line of packing cocks has done so well). Really, I have to wonder if he actually even used any of the products at all.
Although he does seem incredibly preoccupied with what he considers the “elaborate” process of using and cleaning a Fleshlight. Which is, clearly, so much more elaborate and shameful than jacking off with lube into a kleenex, then having to throw away the kleenex and wash your dick:
And do you seriously want to go through the process of soaking a fake vagina in water, lubing it up and then going to town on it? And have you thought about what happens when you’re done? This is no kleenex cleanup, my friends. You need to go to a sink and rinse out your rubber vagina and its plastic case. Imagine doing that, and imagine how you’d feel about yourself at that moment. Got that picture in mind? It’s worse than that. Trust me.
Yes, imagine. Conjure images, people. Images of shame. That’s what your semen makes you feel like, right!? You’ve never had to wash it off of anything before, so it’s horrifying, right!? Doing this makes you feel “like less of a man,” right?! Gosh, this explains why my boyfriend screamed and cowered in a corner upon first having to rinse out his Fleshlight case.
Adam also hates the Fleshlight Motion, because “there’s nothing that kills a boner faster than the self-awareness that comes from being balls deep in a piece of furniture.” Which explains why ladies loathe the Sybian.
But what’s perhaps most agitating to me is that Fleshlight seems to have sent this guy hundreds of dollars worth of their products, only for him to laugh in their faces. This proves, unequivocally, that Fleshlight needs to be sending stuff to my boyfriend for me to review. He’d love to try a Motion. Or a Sex in a Can. Or anything made of Superskin. And, hard as it is to believe, he would try them and feel no shame.
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October 11th, 2009 at 12:18 am
WELL SAID, SIR.
Also… did you know I feel shame when I wash my girl!jizz off my toys? It’s so shameful. To clean up after myself.
It’s also shameful to wash sex-dirty sheets. THE SHAME OF PROOF THAT I HAVE GOTTEN MYSELF OFF. OH GOD, TO THINK I AM WRITING THIS NOW. I must go laugh at my toys.
In fact, most of my toys are actually made of shame and worthless, pitiful tears.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:41 am
I think he was one of thous guys whos mom told him that “Every time he touches himself, God crys.”
October 11th, 2009 at 3:09 am
Gizmodo has a Google page rank of 8 and an Alexa rating of 788–meaning that it is the 788th most visited website on the ‘net.
Adam Frucci could have said that the Fleshlight came packed in human excrement and made his dick fall off and still, thousands of readers would have clicked over to Fleshlight and hundreds would have bought the product.
It’s a pathetic write-up of a wonderful toy, but bad publicity read by lots of people is worth more than great publicity ready by only a few.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:14 am
I think all the sex toy reviewers and bloggers should go comment en masse and shame Adam and all these commenters who seem to agree with him. Holy hell I just found a new litmus test for future playmates. If they agree with that article, and would be grossed out by using a Fleshlight, then its “Sorry, next!”
October 11th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Found you through one of AAG’s Twitter links.
I’m with Lilly. After reading the article’s comments, the majority of them seem to agree that the toys are weird or say that this will be the end of his career since he reviewed a sex toy. I thought geeks were more progressive!
I guess the article could also be read as humorous, but still… what’s so funny about not liking to clean up your own jizz?
October 11th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Wow. That author and his readers are amazingly uptight. I hang out (online and off) with people who are really comfortable and pro-sex so seeing this is a wake up call – many people are freaked out by sex. Sad, very sad. I will continue to hang out with my sex-positive friends and promote sex-positivity through my blog. Thanks for your review of that “review.”
October 11th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I understand the publicity of it all, but it still sucks. :/
October 11th, 2009 at 11:39 am
When I noticed this post, I laughed out loud because I could only imagine your response, and it wasn’t too far off from what you actually posted.
I wrote a fairly elaborate message that I intended to send to Adam, but decided against it because it seems like a waste of effort. (Although, typing up my frustration helped me fall asleep that night, at least.)
Still haven’t decided what to do with my carefully articulated argument.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Dear Fleshlight: I will gladly fuck one of your masturbation sleeves with a strap-on and feel no shame. Because, you know, I’m not a fucking douche.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
I’ve been trying to think of something sufficiently snarky to say in response to that dude’s “review”, but honestly, I’m coming up empty. He just seems like an unbelievably lame person.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I agree with all y’all, and am so glad I’m not alone in noticing the doucheyness.
@Lilly: That made me laugh. A lot. You really should do that.
@Mimi: Email it to me! I will appreciate your elaborate words! Haha.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
jesus h. christ on a bicycle. at first i thought this was just somebody’s personal blog, but when i realized it was a monolith like GIZMODO i was shocked that they actually published such drivel. bah @ mainstream media for perpetuating sex-negativity.
i left a long comment, but who knows if it’ll get published :/
October 11th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
It’s quite obvious that Adam probably LOVED the Fleshlight and that is the source of his vehement denials, his “shame” that he actually ENJOYED getting off in a fake vagina. “Ye protesteth too much”.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
And here I’ve been trying to save some money and figure out a DIY way to affix my fleshlight in an ottoman or something, and he’s GOT one and doesn’t want it. A logical solution suggests itself. Sigh. Life ain’t fair.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
@Regin: I know, man. I know.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
@Lilly: Nice! I agree.
October 14th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Oh nos! Gross ‘ginas!!! This is possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen.
I am surprised he’s so ashamed of cleaning out the fleshlight. I mean, don’t guys generally have to clean up afterwards anyway? Why he would take the time to review something he’s so repulsed by is beyond me.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I’d like to try one I suppose, but NOT after his review…the guy looks like a dork. Let’s review him LOL
October 16th, 2009 at 5:23 am
I haven’t used the Fleshlight yet, but I have used one of its compeditors. All I can say is that it feels sooo good! These are the best things next to the real thing. My body shakes when I use it.
October 10th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
Feeling shame over a sex toy is just so very sad. Oh no not FUN! Not amusing yourself in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone at all! It’s so terrible and awful. What a pitiable little boy.
October 15th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Um, Fleshlight could send me their products for my husband to gladly try out and for me to gladly review. Hmmm, and I’m not even feeling at all shameful (and neither does my husband), so yeah . . .