Oct 012009
 

Sex TartsFlavored lubes notoriously suffer from too-sweet syndrome — and gross-aftertaste syndrome — which is why I am generally skeptical of them. The Sex Tarts line, however, is called Sex Tarts, promising on its labels to be “tangy.” So I said, “prove it.”

There are about a hundred million other Sex Tarts flavors, but I figured it would be best to choose flavors that I normally really like. You know, outside of lube. So I chose four: Green Apple Fizz, Tangy Tangerine, Electric Lemonade, and Peach Pucker. They came to me in 2 oz. flip-top tubes that are brightly-colored and far from discreet. The word “gaudy” comes to mind.

Sex Tarts is water-based and a-little-too-proudly “sugar free” — especially since ingredient #2 is glycerin. Glycerin is a close relative of sugar, and as such, is said to promote yeast infections. Sex Tarts’ ingredients list also includes a couple parabens, which have been linked to breast cancer.

To level the playing field, I tasted each Sex Tarts flavor in succession. Like any good Top Chef judge, I cleansed my palate in between with swigs of water. All the flavors produced a somewhat gummy, numbing aftertaste — not horrible, but definitely noticeable.

  • Green Apple Fizz. Smells like apple-scented Gak. Tastes pretty good. Probably my favorite.
  • Tangy Tangerine. Tastes sweet and candy-like. Enjoyable.
  • Electric Lemonade: Smells like lemon-scented household cleaner. Tastes like lemon-flavored household cleaner. What makes this lemonade rather than plain lemon? Nobody knows. It’s a sham if you ask me. A gross-tasting sham.
  • Peach Pucker: This one tastes like a sweeter version of Tangy Tangerine.

Green Apple Fizz and Tangy Tangerine were definitely front runners, and not only in my personal estimation. I had a friend taste all the flavors, and she picked Tangy Tangerine as her favorite. Most all flavored lubes remind my boyfriend of fluoride, but the one that made him cringe the least was Green Apple Fizz. He wants me to clarify for you that he doesn’t like the taste, but at least it doesn’t make him emit a guttural “unngh” the moment it touches his tongue.

Sex Tarts’ consistency is fairly thin, with a silky texture, but it does dry up quickly. I tried a few of the flavors while giving a blowjob, and they worked out well enough for that (though it really is hard for a flavored lube to fail at making a cock taste not like a cock). As for using Sex Tarts for any other lubrication purpose… trust me, there are a hundred better lubes.

Sex Tarts will probably not replace my blowjob lube of choice, System JO Tangerine Dream, mainly because of Sex Tarts’ gummy aftertaste. However, Sex Tarts lube on the whole is a lot tangier and less sweet than Tangerine Dream, so it’s a good option to have around. At under $6 for 2 oz., it’s also pretty cheap. Just, for the love of god, do not get Electric Lemonade.

Did you like this? Subscribe for more of it!

Get new posts directly in your inbox!

Get my less frequent Snark Digest newsletter with posts + exclusive content!